1000 Pillows

Dream Pillow #1
The Love Story begins…Just like this pillow (see pillow #1) my life is not perfect and it is very rough around the edges.

However, I feel that life and God bring you exactly what you need when you need it and God brought me John at a very crucial point in my life.

2006 was a terrible year for me and my family. This part of the story is a bit of a downer, but is important to tell because it is a huge part of who I am. I had never experienced sadness so deeply until January 22, 2005. That was the day my beautiful, 29-year-old brother died unexpectedly of complications from a rare disease called A Plastic Anemia.

He was perfectly healthy all his life, but one morning he woke up feeling sick and a week later went to the doctor for tests. A week after that, he ended up in the hospital. He literally got sick, diagnosed and died all within nine weeks. It was the worst thing in the world to watch this tall, strong, young man suffer and become incapable of simple life’s pleasures like picking up his newborn baby. His death was devastating. He left behind four young children and his high school sweetheart who he married right after graduation. They were married for ten years. My sister-in-law, only 27 at the time, was incapable of picking up the pieces of this tragedy, so my mother and I came together and promised to help her raise their children. It has been a tough road and every day I pray that my mother, sister-in-law and I stay healthy and strong to raise the kids to be happy, fulfilled adults.

In October of 2006 I needed a mental health break. After loosing my brother, ending a long term relationship, losing my job and adjusting to everything that had happened, I woke up one morning and decided to book a flight to LA to visit a friend. My dear friend Joel knew I needed to be distracted and do something different so he invited me to spend the day with him in Malibu while he worked. He was working on a pilot for a cooking show doing all the preliminary work out of a house in Malibu. I went along for the ride and who could complain about spending the day in a beautiful house on top of a mountain with a view of the Ocean. To me, this was paradise. I had spent the last year and a half in emotional darkness and being in this gorgeous setting awakened my soul.

Jan, the woman who Joel was working for was so incredible and her and I instantly connected. You know that feeling you get once in a great while where you know deep down in your heart that people are brought into your life for a reason, well, Jan is one of those people for me. She immediately took me in like a bird with a broken wing and offered me the opportunity to start healing my wounds. At the end of the day, she looked over at me and said, “It’s happy hour.” The three of us spent the evening talking, eating and drinking and before I left that night she offered me a chance to work with them for two weeks. I accepted and came back the next day. I was hired to do PR for the sponsors who were funding the pilot.

In the middle of the afternoon John out of nowhere showed up, noticeably frustrated and not happy to see me sitting at his desk. I introduced myself to him and he just dismissed me and asked Jan to talk to her in private. I looked at Joel and said, “What a Jerk!”

Dream Pillow #2
At the end of the day Jan always had her margarita hour so it was then that John came over to me and said, “I am sorry, but I have had a really long day and just flew in from Alaska. When I saw you sitting at my desk, I had no idea what to think and overreacted. I understand that you will be helping us on our cooking show and traveling with us to Sonoma…Finish your drink…” As he was talking to me I could not help, but to stare at his unusually long side burns. Forget about hating him for being mean and rude. Those side burns were reason enough! I had never seen side burns that thick in person! They made him look like he was trying to be an Elvis impersonator. They were just so distracting. The only reason I was even paying attention to him at that point was because of his stunning green eyes. So I took a sip of my gita and responded with, “No problem, I look forward to working with you (…Jerk).”

On the way to Malibu the next day, Joel and I started talking about our own personal hopes and dreams for the future and because we were driving through a beautiful canyon he asked me to say out loud to the universe what my Mr. Right should be like. Joel and I have always had conversations about what we want in a partner and today because we were experiencing a magical moment on this drive, I really wanted to put my request out there and let it be part of the moment. I remember saying that I want a man to come into my life that will love me with all of his heart, be tall and have green or blue eyes, love to cook, listen to opera, love boats, independent, great with his hands, a protector… It took me about ten minutes to describe this Mr. Right and when I was finally done, I felt a sense of relief, as if someone was taking my order and was paying attention to every detail. I knew that someday I would find him. Joel of course, did the same for his Mrs. Right and before we knew it, we were at the top of the mountain at Jan’s place….

Dream Pillow #3
Today was the busiest day so far at Jan’s because everyone was finalizing details for the trip to Sonoma. Joel was confirming the locations for the different shoots and putting together the call-times for the crews. John was running in three different directions, Jan was like the conductor at the symphony making all the different instruments play the same tune. I just sat there observing, taking it all in. Thinking, how great it was not to have to actually be stressed about producing because I know a little something about production. I have worked for several syndicated talk shows over the passed 12 years and stress was my middle name, but not today.

I had no idea what to expect form all of this. I just had the task of getting the sponsors some PR and helping out with whatever else they needed me to do. Most of this day was a blur to me, but the one thing that I do remember feeling was that I somehow would return to this beautiful house on Solstice Canyon. I was drawn to it and the energy of the people who lived in this house.

At the end of the evening we all sat around the dinner table in the main house and enjoyed wonderful glasses of wine and great conversation. It was during this conversation that I had a bit of an Aha moment. I realized that for the first time in years, I was letting go. I was allowing the weight on my shoulders down and taking a breath, a really deep breath, one that I could feel all the way down in my belly. I almost felt guilty for enjoying this time and these people, but I wanted more.

I was really excited to get up the next morning because it was the day that we were all going on the road trip to Sonoma. I called my mom early to check on the kids and her. My mom and I talked daily while I was in California. I could tell that she was worried about me. It was not easy for her to not have me home, but she put on a good show of support to make sure I didn’t notice.

Joel and I woke up early to gear up for our long road trip to Wine Country. John arrived at 10am at Joel’s place with a big van stuffed to the rim with camera equipment. I squeezed myself into the back seat, Joel right along next to me. The camera operator who joined us was also a friend. The four of us took off, with coffee, doughnuts and seven hours of miles ahead of us.

I sat directly behind John the entire trip and the only way we communicated with each other was through the rear view mirror. It was ice breaking and funny because all I had was the back of his head and our eyes occasionally meeting for a few seconds at a time for, seven hours.

Our first stop on this trip was at the Sandman Hotel this was where the entire staff and crew met to prepare for the following days first shoot. There were a total of eight of us and a few more to come. I was not originally budgeted in for the accommodations so I had to share a room with Joel. Poor Joel, he was stuck with me for the whole trip. We checked in to our room and went out to explore.

Dream Pillow #4

When you are not used to sleeping next to someone, sharing a bed can sometimes be a little strange especially when you are sharing a bed with a male friend. Joel and I came back to the motel and decided to hit the sack. We were exhausted from the long drive and the meeting with the crew about tomorrow morning’s shoot lasted a lot longer then we had anticipated.

I lay in bed that night and just took stock of what had happened over the last few years. I was just so angry with life. I could not believe that I had recently ended a 10 year relationship with a man who just could not get off the pot. He was my first love and I waited for him to grow up and it just never happened. It was a very hard lesson to learn and cost me a lot both mentally an emotionally. It took my brother’s death for me to finally wake up and understand that life is too short and that you can’t change people.

I also thought about the alone time I had after the break up and how important it is to have great girlfriends who you can just go out and be crazy with. I have four girlfriends in my life that are near and dear to me, without them I would not be sane. I had many nights out until 4am, multiple martinis, and eventually bumped into a few men who I dated. It wasn’t easy to date, I mean I had been in a relationship for my entire 20’s and had no idea what to expect. All I can say is that it is tuff out there. That is why I loved being in LA and with Joel on this trip. It was yet another opportunity to just be. To focus on nothing serious and enjoy what tomorrow may bring.

I started to drift off to sleep with my thoughts when suddenly Joel startled me with his snoring. Needless to say my 5am wake-up call came far too early for me.

Dream Pillow # 5
There is something to be said about waking up early in a strange town, on a strange bed to a day that you have no control over. Our first order of business was to head over to the Fairmont Sonoma Mission Inn & Spa to set up for a golf segment that was to be part of the pilot. When we arrived, my jaw dropped from the stunning beauty of this Inn. There are no words to describe the plush greenery, the exquisite rooms, the scent of flowers in the air. It made me feel like I was a world away and not in wine country.

The golf course that morning was perfectly landscaped and our crew was the first to step foot onto it. We had to get special permission to film there and the fact that the hotel management allowed us on the grounds was incredible because they were hosting an event for the PGA tour that day. The whole point of this segment was to get the host of the show to play golf on the fairway and talk about the PGA tour.

I knew nothing about golf so to me a birdie is a bird not a score. I learned a lot that morning about golf and fashion. Apparently, wearing high heals and a skirt is not acceptable golf attire. Who knew? Anyway, once the golf portion of the shoot was over I went to check into my room and again I was just blown away. Mind you, I could never afford this type of luxury and for a second I had a Julia Roberts moment, like in the movie “Pretty Woman.” I seriously wanted to jump on the bed and scream with joy at the fact that not only was the room a picture perfect dream, but there was a bottle of wine chilling on ice. What more could a girl want? So this is how the Rich live. Boy are they lucky!

Moments later Joel showed up to get me so that I could help him and the crew set-up for the second part of the shoot. We were scheduled to shoot the spa, restaurant and do a cooking segment with the host of the pilot and chef from the hotel’s restaurant. When I arrived to the pool area John and one of the camera operators were dressed in pool robs filming girls who were half naked in bikinis. Typical, I thought. Men with big lenses showing off. Although, part of the shoot called for bikini girls by the pool, I just was a bit turned off by it. So I went to the spa and decided to help Joel do sound checks.

Later, that evening when we wrapped for the day we were all invited to have drinks down in the lobby of the Inn before dinner. As I sat by the fireplace sipping my glass of wine, John came over and sat next to me. It was the first time we were close to one another and we had a great conversation about the day. I don’t know if it was pure exhaustion at that point or the romantic setting of the day, but I found myself locked into our conversation and enjoyed that he noticed my wine glass was getting empty. “Another glass of wine?” He asked.

Dream Pillow # 6
Dinner that night was a blur. Up until this trip I really was not a wine connoisseur and had no idea how to really order it or what great wine is supposed to taste like. My thought was if the label looked good and the name was cute then it must be acceptable. I watched the pros at the table twirl the wine in their glass to let it breathe and laughed as they brought the wine glass up to their noses and sniffed it with such a love affair that you could see their eyes close, their shoulders rise, their lips pucker as they tasted it, and lastly a sigh would follow. As the many different varietals of wine kept coming that night I discovered that my favorite of them all were a Pinot Noir and a Syrah. Those two just stuck with me.

At some point the whirlwind of the drinking suddenly hit me hard and because I am such a casual drinker the overload went straight to my head. I excused myself from the table and left for the ladies room to try to gain some composure. It had been a very long time since I had that much to drink. I am always the responsible one who volunteers to be the designated driver or has to be sharp 100% of the time because of work and family. Tonight, I was out of my element. Not only did I not have to drive anyone home, but I also did not have to worry about much of anything. So I let the wine dance through my veins and enjoyed the rest of the evening by drinking water.

I slept hard that night in my luscious pillow top bed and in the morning at 5:30 am the phone rang for our wake up call. Joel and I got ready and headed over to one of the local wineries in Sonoma to film a process called crush. For those of you who don’t drink wine, the most basic meaning of crush is to harvest the grapes, then break the skins to let the juice flow before they start the fermenting process.

The sun was rising and the crew and I were in the middle of the vineyards getting b-roll. It was one of the most beautiful mornings I have ever experienced. Being surrounded by nature, beautiful vines and some of the darkest and fullest grapes I have ever seen just gave me a new appreciation for earth.Living in the city you never really notice where or how things grow that end up on our tables, but being in the middle of this vineyard was like smelling earth grow and do its job in the purest form. It was magical.

At one point John came over and asked me if I had tried a grape yet and I hadn’t even thought about it. I was too busy watching the workers pick the grapes and fill huge wooden wagons with them. He led me to one of the vines and picked a large grape to offer me. I am a little bit of a clean freak when it comes to washing fruits before eating them so typically I would not have eaten the grape unless it was rinsed, but because it was so beautiful and I did not want to appear to be a freak, I allowed John to feed me the grape. It was rather erotic having him feed me a grape that was not touched by anyone other then him and nature. He smiled after I bit into it because I think he knew what would come after. Eating such a rich grape is like an explosion of taste in your mouth and if you are not expecting it, the reaction is worth a smile.

Dream Pillow # 7
There are a few things a man has to have to attract me to him and ask anyone that knows me-it is not the material things in life. Although, there is nothing wrong with that according to my high school volleyball coach who once told me, “It is just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is a poor one.” For me a few key things that a man has to have are great hands, beautiful eyes and a compassionate being. So when John handed me the grape from the vine, I paid special attention and his hands are perfect. So he had already won me over with his eyes and the only thing remaining from my list was the compassion. Is he compassionate, time would tell? As the day progressed, Jan needed to get a few other production elements in place for the rest of the shoot and she wanted me to help her get the final pieces of the PR plan in place. We left the crew as they prepared to film the barrel room of the Kunde Estate and later that day the process of making olive oil at the McEvoy Ranch. I wish I would have been able to go to McEvoy Ranch because olive oil is a huge part of my life. I am half Assyrian and half Italian so there isn’t a dish that touches the table without a little bit of the liquid gold.

The rest of my afternoon was filled with preparing media lists, writing a draft of the press release and driving with Jan to run errands in her beautiful Porsche Boxster. I had never been in a Porsche so it was a real treat to ride in one. My first car was a beat up yellow Dodge Aries with bright brown rust stains. My car looked like a two week old ripe banana and every car after that was used until I was 26 and bought my first brand new car which was a Kia Sephia. So luxury or sports cars were foreign territory to me and let me just say that when you are not used to going 0-60 mph in 5.6 seconds it is like taking Fred Flinstone out of his stone age car and zapping him into the Jetsons futuristic, utopia Space car. What a blast!

Jan and I had a serious case of the giggles that afternoon. We were like two giddy school girls trying to get homework done, but instead shared pages out of the diaries of our lives. Jan is a retired assignment desk gal who knows nothing less than the fast pace beat of a newsroom. She had spent her days chasing breaking news stories and now she was changing pace to dabble in a bit of the finer things in life. I love her energy and her passion for all things risky. There was nothing better than watching her on the move and then witnessing her slow down for some quality time with her husband, an award winning newsman. Jan reminded me of a little tinker bell, constantly buzzing about with glee and trying to make magic happen.

As the evening approached we decided to head back to the Sonoma Inn so that we could cover the PGA Tour event. The PGA knows how to throw a party! We were invited to film the event because one of the sponsors for the cooking show was a featured wine for the PGA Tour.

The crew filmed the event while John and I sampled all kinds of wine and noshed on a dozen different little finger foods. Generally, watching people eat is not my thing, but for some reason I could not stop watching John eat. There was just something very sensual about the way he would approach a bite of food as if welcoming it with his lips and then devouring it with his mouth. I was mesmerized. Thankfully, at one point Joel came by and asked us to join the rest of the crew outside for drinks. Otherwise, I would have kept finding reasons to want to feed John.

Dream Pillow # 8
I have a serious issue with my feet. I can’t stand them and don’t enjoy it when people look at my feet. To my horror, after Joel pulled John and I from the PGA event to join the crew, I started a conversation with one of the tour executives and while we were talking the executive looked down and said, “Wow, you must have some really cute feet, because you are so tall.” Immediately the entire crew, John, Jan and Joel all stopped talking to look at my feet. “OMG!” It was like standing naked in a spotlight in front of strangers. I wanted to find a way to hide them immediately, but no such luck. The entire conversation switched to my feet and how cute my shoes were. Jan was amused by the whole thing. We were the only women in the group and the whole situation became rather flirtatious.

Thankfully, John changed the subject and soon after, the executive pulled me aside and asked me if I had a room at the Inn. I could not believe how bold he was. He later offered me a key to his room, which I declined. I guess when you have a little money, some power, a few drinks and affection for a tall woman’s feet, you feel entitled -Very awkward to say the least.

We all had a few laughs about the executive when he left, but John and Jan loved teasing me about the whole ordeal as we packed up to head over to Healdsburg. I was looking forward to just getting into town, checking into our rooms and calling it a night.

We were scheduled to shoot romantically, beautiful Healdsburg and all of its unique B&B’s starting early the following morning. The crew, Joel and I were all staying at different B&B’s in order to rate them and decide which ones would be worthy to be included into the show. Talk about a fun job. On the first night there Joel and I stayed at the Haydon where we again had to share the same bed. Imagine being in a romantic town, in a charming B&B with a four claw vintage tub, and a plush king size bed with a man that you can’t take advantage of. I found a new appreciation for friendship. I took comfort in knowing that at least Joel would not be interested in my feet.

At 5:30 am I received a wake up call from John asking Joel and I to meet him and the rest of the crew at the local coffee shop. We got up, got dressed and dragged ourselves to the Flying Goat café. You can smell the aroma of the baked goods and the fresh brewed coffee from a block away. I ordered a vanilla latte with a chocolate filled croissant and joined John at the table. John waited until everyone had their coffee and breakfast before he got up to get something for himself. I noticed that about John, he never really did anything for himself until everyone else had what they needed. He even brought over utensils, sugar and napkins for everyone. I liked that out of all the men in the group he actually took the time to notice what was missing at the table and provided. Everyone else was too busy trying to wake up or did not care about what anyone else needed. John was wide awake, alert and ready to get the day started with enough eagerness to motivate.

After breakfast we headed over to the Chardonnay Golf Club so that we could film the host of the show playing golf on a championship golf course. The stunning golf course consists of 27 holes surrounded by Lakes, Meadows, and Vineyard Courses. We were given golf carts to drive us from hole to hole, and John and I sat together in one all day. He drove us through all the high hilltops, windy meadows, and amazing vineyards as the crew filmed the host and another golfer play the course. At some points the course got kinda’ steep and I was so glad John was at the wheel.

We were at the course for hours and started to wrap up when we noticed that the sun was getting ready to set. One of the producers got the idea that he wanted a shot of the sunset from a mountain top. John was responsible for driving the Porsche Cayenne SUV which was on loan for the show and asked me to join him, so I did. We found a canyon and begun the uphill, curvy drive to the highest point. During the ride John and I talked about me and my family and about why I was in LA. I later learned from John it was during this car ride that he knew that I was the one he had been waiting for.

Dream Pillow # 9
Chasing sunsets can be very inspiring. The sun setting has a whole energy of its own. Like a powerful meditation that ends with a burst of light before a new breath turns into a deep sigh. It is the fast approaching end of a day and the reminder of the gift that a new Beginning awaits.

John and I chased the sunset up to the highest peak of the mountain to make sure the crew that was following behind us would have a great shot before it set. Once we found the perfect spot, we got out and walked to the peak where the sun looked bigger than I have ever seen it. The color of the sky was full of the most amazing hues. I felt like I had found another dimension where heaven and earth tease you. We spent a little time admiring the beauty together, but I think John realized I was having a moment and left me to make sure the crew was on their way.

I was glad for the time alone and the sunset that followed. I was standing there, and at first heard nothing, but the wind blowing in the trees. I saw a bird sitting in the distance. It was as if I was led to this place. To be still. There, in the few moments before day turned into night I heard my brother’s voice. “Let go, my dear sister.” Since Americo’s death, I had been waiting for a sign, for something that would let me know he was OK. I have heard stories from people who have lost family members who say that they would experience some sort of phenomenon in the years after their loved ones had passed on. I guess this was mine. I heard it again “Let go, my dear sister, let go,” and with that slight whisper that amplified in my soul, I could feel the anger leave my body. I had been living my days holding on to the why’s and bitter anger about his death. I began to cry from deep within, and knew that from this point on I needed to go on with my life because he would have wanted me to.

There is nothing more awakening than understanding just how short life is. Within a blink of an eye everything can change. To my regret I will never get my brother back. In his honor and because of that moment, I promised myself to live my life to the fullest with each sunset.

Joel found me at the peak and immediately started talking about how amazing the sunset was and how he loved the drive up. He said other things that I just can’t remember because I was not mentally there. I was still trying to digest what I just experienced. At some point I remember hearing John’s voice and it was like I woke up. John was calling out to us and asked me to take pictures. I was the only one with a digital camera that evening so I started taking pictures of the crew and area shots that could later be included in the show. Joel offered to take a picture of John and I. John came close to me, put his arm around my waist and as I looked towards the camera for the picture, I noticed he turned to face me. As you can see in the photo John didn’t look into the camera because he was too busy smelling my hair…and as I would learn later, just wanted to be close to me. He knew.

Later that evening we ended up at a Chinese restaurant where we all shared a beautiful dinner. Each dish was presented with vegetable art. It was almost too pretty to eat. We all had a wonderful time, winding down from the day. This was the last dinner we would have together as a group. At one point we got so loud that the Chef himself came out to see what the ruckus was about. We charmed him so much that he began to partake in our festivities.

After dinner, we went to a pub for drinks and as the night grew late we started to talk about our accommodations. Joel and I had to check into the Best Western and give up our B&B. John said that there was something not right about him sleeping in a plush room at a historic home, on sheets that had more thread count than mine would so he offered to switch with me. At first, I didn’t feel right about taking him up on the offer, but he sold me on the fact that Joel and I would not have to share a bed. I did not tell Joel yet because I wanted to see the room first. John and I slipped away and drove off to the historic house.

When we arrived at the B&B I saw Jan’s car sitting in the driveway and realized that she and her husband were staying there as well. The idea of her seeing me there in the morning instead of John just made me uncomfortable. I argued my point with John to go back to the Best Western before I ever even saw the room. John, of course argued his reasons why I should not be so worried about such a small gesture. We spat back and forth until he knew there was no chance of convincing me otherwise. We walked back to my side of the car to open the door and it was then that we had a moment. He said, “You know…you would really love staying here. I don’t need such a delicate room.” I looked straight into his green eyes and the next thing I knew he grabbed me, pulled me close and kissed me. I remember thinking I should stop, this is the boss’s right hand guy and I am making out with him while she is sleeping in the house 50 feet from us. I couldn’t help myself ! We kissed for a long time and at some point I remember coming up for air to say, “We should get back to the Best Western because…Joel will wonder where I am!”

Dream Pillow #10
I think John and I were both caught off guard from the kiss. We both backed up from each other and got into the car so he could take me to the Best Western. I don’t really remember what happened on the ride there because I was a bit flustered. When he finally returned me to the Best Western, John walked me to the hotel room to make sure I got to my room safely and before I could open the door, we kissed again. It was a very passionate kiss, the kind that makes you weak in the knees and not give a damn where you are or who could be watching. I really did not expect that kind of boldness from a guy like John. He just does not look like the type of guy who could grab a woman, pin her against a wall and kiss her like she has never been kissed before. He looks more like the kind of guy who would not have a problem killing baby elephants before breakfast. Definitely not a player. I tore myself away from him when I started to feel like this could turn into something more and all I could say this time was, “Thank you and see you tomorrow.” Thank you, I can’t believe I said that. Who says that?

After he left I sat on the hotel bed for a few minutes digesting what just happened. It felt like I was stung with some sort of venom that was slowly taking over my senses. I did not move from the bed until there was a knock on the door.

Apparently, Joel and I had adjoining rooms and he was knocking to see if I was there. I had completely forgotten about him. I opened the door and there he was standing in front of me in a towel, asking me where I had been. I said, “You are not going to believe what just happened.” Joel was all too happy to listen to me spill my guts. “John and I kinda’ made out!” He immediately jumped in by saying he saw sparks between us and thought to himself that something might be brewing. We spent some time discussing the details and laughing about how I basically, thanked John after the kiss and sent him on his way like, “…an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.” How jejune !

I loved having Joel to talk to that evening because it helped ground me and not think like a girl, but rather look at what happened between John and I as an interesting flirtatious moment and leave it at that. I tend to over analyze things most of the time and now John would be the first to second that statement! I would have thought up a million scenarios on how to react to John the following morning or what to say, but instead I just wanted to take a shower and go to bed smiling. Something I had not done in years.

Dream Pillow #11
Because I let go and just went with what the universe offered, I started a new journey. I had no intentions of doing anything, but visit a friend going back now three weeks ago. This day was the last day we would be spending in Northern California filming the golf and gourmet show for PBS. Everyone was wrapping up to head back to LA. Being a part of this film crew was a wonderful opportunity.

Not often, are we given a chance to really open our eyes and look outside of our comfort or our pain long enough to realize whether or not what we are experiencing is allowing us to grow or stay stagnant. This trip to California allowed me that opportunity and helped me realize that I was stagnant for a long time and now I needed to grow. My eyes were open, my heart and my mind had shifted. This unexpected journey allowed me to let go of the past.

As I packed my last article of clothing, it occurred to me that I needed to figure out what to do about John. Being in wine country is so intoxicating I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling for John was an affect of the romantic settings or a new infatuation. I tried telling myself that kissing a guy doesn’t mean you instantly have a connection or that you should pursue anything further, just because he makes you feel weak in the knees.

Joel was quiet this morning. While we packed the car, we discussed looking forward to going back home. When we arrived at the coffee house Jan was waiting to talk to me. She pulled me aside and asked me if I wanted to stay in Sonoma as her guest for the weekend. There were a few events that she was going to attend with her husband and John and thought that I would enjoy tagging along. Ordinarily I would have jumped at the chance to stay, but that would mean I would be spending a lot more time with John and I just was not ready for that. I had to turn down Jan’s offer, which pained me because I knew we all would have had a great time together.

I did my rounds and said my goodbyes to the crew and left the best for last… As John walked over to me I realized how much I enjoyed all of our talks and silly playfulness throughout the filming of the show. It was nice to see him waiting for me in the mornings at the coffee shop and sharing our thoughts about the headlines or where we were going next to shoot. I also enjoyed the way he made me feel, excited and slightly unsure. We spoke briefly and all the while he tried to convince me to stay through the weekend. I told John that I had to get back to reality. We agreed to touch base once he got back to LA. We hugged each other goodbye and he promised to call.

Joel and I got into the van and I could not help, but feel a little remorse about not staying for the weekend. Joel did not leave any room for my thoughts because he immediately started to discuss the long drive back to LA, and what we had to do between here and there. The key went into the ignition and before I knew it, I was waving goodbye to everyone and listening to Joel ramble on and on, while watching John get smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror.

It took us eight hours to drive back to LA and by the time we returned the car and the equipment we were exhausted and starving. We stopped at Carnival near Joel’s place to grab some kabobs. I am half Assyrian and half Italian so a good kabob or pasta is always a welcome meal. I picked up our food and stopped at a grocery store for a few things and while in line I saw the cutest teddy bear. I used to decorate my bed with stuffed animals until I was in my late 20’s. I had so many on my bed that it took me five minutes to put them on and take then off daily. My mom would complain about this ridiculous ritual and begged me to donate the collection before I scare away any potential love interest. I eventually, reluctantly, gave them away. I just couldn’t resist this one…

We were on the road for 10 days and the thought of not having to get up at the crack of dawn was nice, however I already missed the luxury of the big queen beds and feather down comforters from the array of B&B’s we stayed at. Joel’s couch was not the best consolation prize. While Joel took a shower I unpacked some of my things and called home to check on my mom and my nephews and niece. I had been away for three weeks and I could hear the anxiousness in my mother’s voice. We caught up on all of the crazy madness that surrounds my mother’s daily life and talked about my nana’s mishaps. Nana is an angel on earth, however in her old age she has developed Dementia among the many other ailments she suffers from. Nana gives us something to talk about every day. On this particular day, Nana heard the doorbell ring and the Fed-X delivery guy who delivered a package to the door received a nice package himself, my Nana completely naked answering the door. My mom was in the basement getting the laundry and when she came up to answer the door she was mortified to find the delivery guy trying to put a robe on Nana before he could get her signature. I could only imagine what other things Fed-X delivery folks witness on the job. My mother and I giggled at the thought and said our good nights.

I went to grab Teddy out of the grocery bag to bring him to the couch when Joel saw him and freaked out. Joel has allergies and is a bit of a germaphobe so before I knew it, he pulled out a can of Lysol and started to spray Teddy and me down. I screamed, “What the heck are you doing!” Joel spraying away replied, “Where did you get that Bear, if he was in the store than he is full of dust and dirty.” I can’t have him in this apartment, unless he is clean.” I have never witnessed anything like this so I was a bit taken aback. I mean how dirty can a teddy bear be. Yikes! He sprayed away showering me and the bear so much that I started to cough and screamed, “Enough!” He apologized, turned on his humidifier and said goodnight.

Slightly traumatized I covered me & my fresh scented Teddy and went to bed thinking that Sonoma was a gift and today was bitter sweet because I found myself falling more in love with California and knowing that I had nothing to look forward to in Chicago. I was between jobs, recently ended a long term relationship and dealing with the hardships of figuring out the looming question of, “What was next?”

Dream Pillow #12
The hazard of sleeping in random places is waking up and not remembering where you are. I had slept in a half a dozen places in the last two weeks so when I woke up on Joel’s couch, it took me a moment to remember where I was. Teddy had ended up on the floor facing me with his cute little perma-smile. Joel and I had worked hard over the last few weeks and this was the first morning we were able to sleep in.

I looked at my phone to see what time it was and noticed that there was a voice mail waiting for me from a number that I did not recognize. I needed coffee before I could even think about checking my voicemails. Up and alone, I got dressed and left in search of Java.

Pulverized bits of roasted bean goodness strangled through filters is an important part of my morning ritual. My being is always a bit brighter when I start my day with it. I found a Starbucks down the street from Joel’s on Ventura Blvd. It was 10am and the place was buzzing. The people were just as unique as their coffee orders. The tall, non-fat, Splenda latte was ordered by Angel a 20 something blonde, dressed to impress at 10am, in her shinny red stilettos, short ripped daisy dukes and fishnet stockings. The double shot espresso went to Kayeesha a “man” dressed in a skirt with hairy legs and long painted toe nails, and the mocha frap went to the only man dressed in a business suit. I was definitely not in Kansas or Chicago anymore.

I walked up to the counter and ordered a tall, decaf, vanilla latte. I always get decaf because I don’t like that jittery felling of the high octane stuff. I am addicted to the taste, but not to the feeling. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I took a few sips from my newly minted cardboard clad cup of blackness and savored the way it felt all the way down. The frothy milk and vanilla just made me want to smile. It doesn’t take much…

I sat down outside and checked my messages. The Publicist from Body Worlds called to see if I was interested in coming back to work for them to do PR for the exhibit at the Museum of Science in Boston. I loved working for Body Worlds in Chicago and the thought of going to Boston intrigued me. My trip to California was definitely the start of something and a new journey to Boston might be more of what the shaman in the corner would have ordered for me if life was as easy as coffee.

I called the head of PR at Body Worlds who I started to call my “Fairy Godmother” because she made me an offer I just could not refuse. I was expected to be in Boston within a week which meant I would have to leave LA, fly back to Chicago, get my life in order there and be on a plane to Boston all in less than five days. It is amazing what life can bring when you’re not expecting it.

I went back to Joel’s and told him about Boston and we talked about the pros and cons. He felt that going to Boston would be a blessing because it would give me a chance to get over my ex-boyfriend, continue to heal from my brother’s death and allow me yet another opportunity to grow. The cons would be that my mom, sister-in-law and my nephews would have to adjust to being without me for the longest time I had ever spent away from them: Six months. I would support them, but could not be there for the day to day responsibilities of taking care of three boys and an elderly & sick grandmother. It would be a challenge.

As the day unfolded I booked my ticket to fly home to Chicago, called my mother to discuss the next steps and at about 6pm it finally hit me. OMG! I am going to Boston. It was easy to just say yes, but I have never lived outside of Chicago and have never been away from my family for more than a few weeks. I was going to be gone for at least five months and I didn’t know anyone in Boston. What was I thinking?

John Who?

Dream Pillow # 13
Life always seems to have its own plan for me. There is constantly a struggle when it comes to control. Some people know exactly what they are doing and when, while others get a clue along the way. I knew what I wanted to accomplish and what I needed to be responsible for in life, but it forever seems to have a bit of a different plan for Me! Instinct can only take one so far. I am learning that it is necessary to just let go.

Coming to Los Angeles may have been a test run for Boston. Boston would bring me relief or challenge my ability to accept some of the things that have happened in my life. To understand solace. Being alone, as I have mentioned before, was never needed or possible. I didn’t know how to be still, much less far from home. My Home… Alone…Quiet. I didn’t know what those words meant after so many years of being surrounded by people. Too many people. Too much of what everyone else always wanted but not enough time for me to decide what my favorite drink was or what Chicken Tika Masala was, or Pho, or real French Onion soup!

I had three days left in LA before my journey in Boston was set to begin. In the meantime I wanted to see John. I called him as we had been texting each other ever since I left Sonoma. At some point I told him about Boston and how soon my escape to LA was about to come to an end. He was supportive and thought that Boston would be a beautiful experience. He said that it would change me as LA had started to and he looked forward to witnessing that process. I was not sure what he meant by that at the time. What did he know that I didn’t ?!

Tuesday: I made plans for everyone to meet on Friday night at Firefly, a restaurant close to Joel’s place. I could tell from John’s response to my invitation that he thought he was going to be going out alone with me. It would be one of my last evenings with my friends and I really wanted to see as many people as I could before I left. I went to bed, eyes closed, body tired. I could not sleep. The anxiousness was starting to envelop my body. At first it was a feeling of small thoughts that drifted in and out of my head that quickly became a tidal wave of fear and worry. Was I doing the right thing ?! Even my Friday plans made me restless. Wednesday was Halloween and I made plans weeks ago to meet friends at the Gay parade. I was not in the mood to put on a costume and party it up, but I was told that Halloween in West Hollywood was a must see event that could not be missed. I took a deep breath and thought of the kiss I shared with John before I left Sonoma. For as nervous as he made me, his presence calmed me. With sweet thoughts, I drifted to sleep.

Wednesday Morning: TV brought with it a cavalcade of Halloween fun on the local Fox news channel. Two of the reporters were dressed up in full costume. Chicago news isn’t usually this fun and one would never see anchors dressed up for Halloween. I could not concentrate on the news because I was distracted by the female reporter who had her breasts propped up in a very sexy pirate costume talking about the weather. Chicago is just too buttoned up for this kind of on-air debauchery! It was like watching soft porn! Astonished, I said out loud, “Is this was it takes to get ratings in LA?” Joel just laughed and turned the channel to remove the festiveness of a holiday he sees no point in.

Breakfast was as it always is when you eat on the road. This morning was no exception with Philadelphia cream cheese spread and a touch of mixed berry jam over a toasted sesame bagel. My bagel reminded me of H&H Bagels in New York which is definitely worth the pilgrimage or worth frequenting if you live near it. Would anywhere I ate ever be able to give me the same kind of satisfaction that I knew I could depend on…like it did in Chicago?

The rest of Wednesday flew by and before I knew it we had to get going to meet Jen at her place to go to the parade. Joel and I did not find costumes so we decided to go as spectators rather than participants. Halloween is not one of Joel’s favorite holidays and it made me wonder how much he would enjoy the evening.

Apparently driving to a gay parade in a gay part of town is not a good idea. I was a little nervous about taking a bus in LA because…well, how would I know how to get back if we got separated? How would I know which bus to take? How does anyone know which way is up in this town when there isn’t a lake or the largest skyscraper in The States to at least guide me?! We waited for 20 minutes before the bus showed up and as soon as we entered the bus I knew this was going to be a very interesting night. There were two guys dressed in spider man costumes; another guy was dressed like a monk; and last but not least, there was a girl dressed like little red ridding hood and her partner, the wolf. What costume would I have chosen if Joel and I made it a priority?

We arrived at the corner of Santa Monica and La Cienega in West Hollywood. The streets were filled with thousands of people dressed in the most outrageous costumes. You couldn’t move on the sidewalks or streets. The sound of music was thumping from every bar and club. The air was filled with the smell of cologne, cigarettes, and weed. Forget about the contact high, everywhere I looked there were men and women showing off their assets. This jumble of people was endless, and what they were doing was beyond anything that I was used to in my everyday life. Men kissing men. Young women witnessing gay erotica at its finest. I’ve never been to therapy, but I could understand the need after how many times I witnessed gay men feelin’ up women’s bulging breasts all night long. At some point Joel vocalized how confused he was about what was real and what was…fantasy. I have never been to Margi Gras in New Orleans, but this night made me feel like I was in the middle of something similar. I was over stimulated with all of the eye candy. It was no longer a jumble of people. This was a jungle, and I was in the middle of a place that would not surrender me easily.

By 02:00 AM I was dizzy and Joel had had enough. Jen was shimming like she usually does and talking to a guy she once had a thing for. I was going to spend the last two nights with her, but by the looks of things, Jen was making plans of her own. It seems that I would yet again be back on Joel’s couch.

It was too late to catch a bus back to Jen’s so we all grabbed a cab. Joel and I headed back to his place. I remember wanting nothing more at that moment then to jump in a shower and wash every single square inch of my WEHO Halloween experience off of me. Exhausted, I crawled onto my well worn couch, laid my head down and was asleep in seconds. There was no time to worry about what was next.

Thursday: I had some long standing plans to see my cousins and extended family this evening. I wanted to catch up with my mother’s side of the family and have dinner with them. I also wanted to give Joel a break from me and from dragging him out last night so I arranged for a ride to the family’s pad and when I arrived, there were at least 15 people waiting for me. We drank and ate and laughed. I shared my experiences from Sonoma, Halloween and my anticipation for Boston. I may have mentioned something about John, but he was too new to really bring up like it was something serious. I hadn’t even had one evening alone with him.

I was blessed to be sitting in a kitchen of a Home that was filled with women who grew up with my mother and their kids. The food was incredible. It was a spread of traditional Assyrian dishes including: Basmati rice; beef cutlets spiced with onions, bread crumbs and a little turmeric; chicken kabobs with pita bread and dill cucumber dressing; lamb stew with potatoes and garlic; and my favorite, pickled vegetables and feta cheese. I was treated like a Princess and I ate so much my stomach felt like it would explode. Life was good tonight. Black tea and nazook made it even better. We have a saying in Assyrian that translates to “A full stomach makes for a peaceful world.” “Peaceful” Would Boston bring me peace, or would I continue to surround myself with more to make me forget?

Dream Pillow #14
Friday: Have you ever eaten so much that your stomach looks like it is three months pregnant? I stood in Joel’s bathroom and was caught off guard by how huge my belly looked this morning. I was bloated from days of feasting and I had yet another dinner planned for this evening that included John. I had to get over this quickly so that I could fit into my cute dress. This Girl was in need of a remedy STAT!

I quickly bolted to Joel’s kitchen to whip together an old family remedy to get myself back to normal. I took a lemon, boiled some water, found some honey, a little cayenne pepper and some fresh ginger….Mixed them all together to make the perfect witches brew. For as much as I love to eat, I have always had an unhappy stomach and digestive tract so my mom used to come up with concoctions that she would get from health books to ease my pains. Down the hatch!

I had a laundry list of items that needed my attention today. I had to pack, arrange for my airplane tickets to Boston, wrap things up in LA and just get my thoughts together before tomorrow morning’s flight. I also had to look cute this evening because it would be my last night in LA and the first time John and I would be together on a triple date…that he had no idea of yet. John and I had spent two weeks working together and surrounded with people. We were never alone together and dinner tonight would not be different. I would have loved to spend this evening alone with him, but there were so many other people that I needed to also see before I left LA in the morning. It was my way of life…always surrounded by people.

Joel made the dinner reservations for 7pm at Firefly on Ventura, a great little bar/restaurant with wonderful ambiance and fabulously rich food. Although, I was not really looking forward to a big meal, I was looking forward to an evening of conversation with old friends and great wine. As dinner time approached I found myself with a new feeling in my stomach. Butterflies!

As I put my little black dress on and a pair of shinny patent Guess heels, my outlook on the whole evening started to change. It hit me that this was my last night in LA. I was going to leave this beautiful city once again and return to the harsh reality of life with my extended family in Chicago and another job in another town. I came to LA three weeks ago for a mental and emotional break from all the sadness, the uncertainty and the lack of direction and would be leaving tomorrow with a whole new sense of direction.

Joel and I grabbed our jackets and headed out the door for dinner. During our ride Joel turned to me at a stop sign and said, “I think you have opened a new door by coming out here and I want you to know that I am always here for you.” His words warmed my soul. He is like a brother to me and in that moment I new that something shifted. Just like his manual Honda sometimes would get stuck in 1st gear so was I for a long time and suddenly I wasn’t stuck anymore and tonight would be my final farewell to what was and a celebration of what William Ernest Henley poetically wrote, “What is to come.”

Joel opened the door to the Firefly and it glowed …The lighting was dim and candles lit the way to our table. There was a plethora of LA’s finest dressed in designer must haves checking us out with empty stares as we passed the bar. This was nothing new to me; being single in Chicago teaches a girl how to walk into a bar and read as you are being read. However, this was different in one way, John would be waiting at the table and I was not interested in anything else. I could see my friends and my cousin Ben gathered and waiting for our arrival. I approached the table and immediately started the frenzy of hugs and kisses. It was a beautiful moment of welcoming that always warms me. John stood quietly waiting for me to get to him. I paused in front of him and smiled…It took me a second or two to take in what I felt and how he looked before I moved forward to hug him. He whispered “I was hoping to have dinner alone with you, but since we can’t, I figured at least you could sit next to me.” I nodded yes as he pulled out the chair for me to sit down.

I introduced John to the people at the table and explained briefly who he was and how we came to meet. John talked a little bit about the cooking show and all of the beautiful places we were able to visit in Sonoma. He described the morning sunrises in the vineyards and the wine crush, and all the complications that came with a TV production. As he talked I just stared at him. Nothing he said was staying in my head, all I could think about was kissing him. I can’t remember when, but at some point a waiter approached the table to ask what we wanted to drink and when the waiter stopped to ask me, John chimed in, “Could you please bring us a bottle of your Syrah?” I learned to drink Syrah when we were on the road in Sonoma and the fact that he paid attention to what had become my favorite brand was noteworthy itself. John also suggested some things on the menu that HE thought I might like. Even the few women who were sitting next to us enjoyed John’s thought process of ordering what he thought best from the menu. What I would discover that evening is that John spent every Sunday for seven years working in Chicago’s Le Francais restaurant. How does the saying go, “What the fool seeks in others, the wise-man finds in himself.”

My girlfriend pinched me under the table as the dessert course came and gave me the look. You know the look your BFF gives you when she knows something is up and wants the scoop. Well, I was still processing it all. Watching him move, eat and just talk held me captive in my own head. “Not good, snap out of it!” I reminded myself as I licked my spoon dry of Chocolate Pot De Crème. What kind of magic lust juju was I under? I had to get a grip of myself and pronto. I excused myself from the table to go to the restroom for a moment of clarity, although that was quickly interrupted by my girlfriend who immediately followed behind me. “Ok spill…What the heck is going on out there?” She said with her eyes shifting back and forth as she squinted, waiting intently for my answer. “Nothing, I said shaking my head in disapproval of the question.” “We just met and we are getting to know one another and that is all!” “Frances, I know you and you look like a dear all doe eyed!” “Alright,” I said, “I might be a little intrigued, but what’s the difference…I leave tomorrow and I will be living in Boston for four months. It’s not like I’d be living in Los Angeles and John in Malibu so that we could date!” “I will be 3000 miles away!” My girlfriend was relentless. “So what Frances. Stop thinking about distance. You never know what can happen. Have you kissed him yet?” “Yes” I said. “But don’t say anything to anyone right now, OK! I am just not ready to deal with all of this.” Can I just enjoy tonight!?” Before she could answer, my cousin Ben walked into the restroom. Co-ed bathrooms are always a little hard to take the first couple times round for a Midwestern Girl. At first I thought I made a mistake and had entered the men’s room, but then I notice a woman coming out of a different stall. Only in LA. Ben was equally disturbed at the situation. So we all just giggled and went about our business.

When I returned to the table we ordered another bottle of wine and everyone just drank and continued multiple conversations. I took some time to catch up with Ben and in between conversations John and I just focused on each other. As the night grew late and the waiter tallied our bill, I said my final goodbyes to all of my friends and family. Joel and I exchanged a look. I signaled to him to give me a few minutes. John asked if he could drive me to Joel’s and I agreed. I just wanted a little bit more time with him.

John had parked a couple blocks from the bar so we walked up the hill on the dark street and when we reached the car I was a bit out of breath. Again, my Midwestern roots were showing. Being from Chicago, I just wasn’t used to these hills of LA! “I guess I am a little out of shape.” I said. Embarrassed by my heavy breathing, I pointed to the car door and John opened it so that we could sit down. He made a comment about one thing or another and I started to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach again of nervousness. I wish there was a witches brew for that. “I leave for Boston this week…I said softly as I looked in his direction. John came close and I moved in closer. We were locked eye to eye, I could feel his breath on my lips and before I could even close my eyes, he kissed me. I kissed back, but my eyes would not close. I have never done that before. There I was lip locked with John and looking at him, the car, and the mountains. It was as if I did not want to miss this moment and everything that surrounded us. I tried to close my eyes, but it didn’t work. This must mean something, I thought in my head. At one point John opened his eyes and then I closed mine tight. I could feel him smile. I eventually relaxed and let go. We spent an hour together in his car, talking and kissing and just goofing around. At some point we both realized it was getting very late and he drove me to Joel’s place. We had come a long way since Sonoma and I knew that this new found affection we shared started a spark in me that was not going to go away.

John got out of the car to open my door and we shared another moment. I didn’t want to leave him, but as I pulled away I said, “You know, if you are ever in Boston you should come visit me.” He just looked at me and said, “We will keep in touch.”

John waited in the driveway for me to get safely to Joel’s apartment. I waived goodbye and he got in his car and drove away. I hate goodbyes…They just make me feel empty. This time it made me feel like I lost something.

Joel was in bed, but waiting up like an overbearing father. “I thought you were not going to come back here tonight…I was worried.” I’m fine.” I said. “…and for the record, John is a gentleman and would not have had it any other way.” Joel continued, even though I didn’t want him to. “Good. But you look disappointed.” I plopped myself on the couch and held my head in my hands. I said, “I’m worried.” Then I found myself not wanting to continue…“I hope I see him again…”

Dream Pillow# 15
I absolutely, unequivocally hate to fly. I know it’s one of the safest ways to travel, but I just can’t get myself to calm down while on a plane. As the Southwest flight sat on the runway at LAX to prepare for take-off all I could do was pray. I could not believe that three weeks had past and I was on my way back home to Chicago.

The captain’s voice crackling in and out on the speakers announced that we were preparing for takeoff. As the plane started to pull away from the gate I quietly began chanting, “Find a happy place… Find a happy place.” I wish there was a shot for this kind of thing. Something that you sign up for in advance so that when you get on the plane a flight attendant injects you with a happy serum; you pass out, and then wake up at your destination. No feeling of jumping out of your skin from fear, stomach acid from nervousness or needing a barf bag. “Fasten your seatbelts folks cuz here we go!” said the captain. I looked over to the right of me for moral support, but the woman sitting next to me was already snoring. “Really,” I need to be on whatever she is on. No luck to the left of me because the ipod and ear phones were plugged into said human. “Ugh!, how do people do this on a regular basis?”

To keep my mind off of the fear of being 35,000 feet in the air and from sticking a pretzel down the throat of the snoring, wide open mouth, drooling passenger that was making me crazy, I pulled out pen and paper to reflect on my journey and started to write down ten things I wanted to focus on next in my life:

1. Put an end to useless relationships: I have had nothing but unfulfilled relationships my entire life.
2. Focus on my life for once
3. Heal emotionally from loosing my brother
4. Live alone –discover solitude
5. Find inner purpose
6. Family: Find a balance for both what my family needs and what I need.
7. At some point move to LA: I have wanted to move to LA since the age of 21. I feel like it calls to me.
8. Finish unfinished business: I need to tie up loose ends. Complete the uncompleted.
9. How can I do something I truly enjoy
10. Find someone who loves the way I love

Writing these 10 thoughts down made me think of an excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love which had been sent to me by a friend. I remember as I began to read I felt connected to Elizabeth Gilbert’s character because of the parallels to my own life experiences and the sense of needing to find more. Unlike the character in the book, I was not on my way to Italy, India, and Indonesia. I felt as if I was embarking on my way to three different destinations: Chicago, Boston, and LA. Needless to say, I added a note to buy the book as soon as time allowed.

Chicago just like other cities has a certain smell. You don’t really smell it when you live it day in and day out, but when you’re away from something you know long enough, you definitely notice it. I grabbed a cab which also had a very unique smell that I would not want to describe and headed home to the North side. It was nice to be back on Lake Shore drive again and see the beautiful lake front. The fall is always breathtaking in Chicago with all the leaves changing to different vibrant colors of burnt orange, curry yellow and golden brown. The air felt crisp and teased of winter as the wind blew the waves from the lake strongly to shore. Regardless of the weather there were so many people still at the beach front cycling, rollerblading and jogging. It was nice to see people out and about. In LA you never really see people out of their cars. LA surfers do love their beaches though. The cab driver exited LSD and curved around Sheridan Ave. to head towards Rogers Park. I realized as he drove me through my neighborhood that I had never eaten at the plethora of Indian restaurants or that I had never really embraced West Rogers Park since moving to the area six years ago. I grew up in a neighborhood called Andersonville and when my grandmother sold our family home we were forced to find a place quickly so I bought a condo in West Rogers Park because of the low prices not because of the love I had for the area. I never got over leaving Andersonville or my grandmother selling our family home. A story for another time.

As I stood at the entrance of my front door I felt a sense of weight on my shoulders. I knew this was it. I was back at the place where I could not dream, where reality was as thick and heavy as a thousand pounds of wet sand. It was a paradox of wanting to be home because of the people that I missed, but hating all that came with it. Being in LA gave me the ability to look outside of my four walls. To breathe. I made the decision that I was going to return as an observer, but no longer an active participant.
I took a deep breath, opened the door and walked in. My mother waiting with open arms and tears in the kitchen; the kids excited, screaming, “Atto, Atto!!!; my grandmother slowly making her way to me with her walker…not really understanding that I had been gone-crying; and lastly, my sister-in-law patiently waiting her turn. I could see the happiness in all of their eyes. If felt so very blessed in that moment to have so many people to love me. This is what made me stay all of these years, but suddenly it wasn’t enough…something deep inside me had changed.

It took hours to settle in. We all sat down to dinner and I filled them in on the last three weeks of my travels and the details of the upcoming plans for Boston. A daughter knows when her mother is not pleased, much less after just arriving home. She gave her nodding approval for Boston because she knew she needed to. Accepting a temporary job in Boston was not an easy decision for me to make, but it was a step in the right and necessary direction.

Dinner was fantastic, we had ordered from one of my favorite Chinese restaurants, Wing Hoe. If you live in the Rogers Park, Edgewater or Andersonville neighborhoods you are lucky to know that the egg rolls are the best in town and the Kung Pao Chicken is worth every fat cell. I do have to say that I missed Chicago food while in LA. I think that in LA people are so concerned about how they look and being a size zero that the restaurants cater to that life style and you loose all of the Midwest, East coast influences of real fatty, stick to your bone, good eating kind of food. There is something to be said for eating healthy. I just wasn’t ready to accept THAT much change. Not yet. It tasted too good. Like Mom; like Wing Hoe; Like the Chicago I knew and grew up with.

With a full belly, an antacid chewable, I said my goodnights, headed to my bedroom and jumped into bed. I missed my own bed. Traveling for three weeks and sleeping on Joel’s couch made me appreciate the serenity of being happy with ones own possessions no matter the situation. My food; my bed; my stuff. Why would I ever leave? Who could?

As I looked over my new ten points and lay under the Chicago sky, I thought of one man who lay under LA sky with nothing to connect us together other than a few shared moments and a promise to keep in touch. I wanted to call him, if only to give me another opportunity to continue my LA experience. However, I had to stay focused and tomorrow awaited me with purpose so tonight I closed my eyes and hoped to dream about the smell of the ocean and the sun beaming on my skin.