1000 Pillows

The Love story continues… I absolutely, unequivocally hate to fly. I know it’s one of the safest ways to travel, but I just can’t get myself to calm down while on a plane. As the Southwest flight sat on the runway at LAX to prepare for take-off all I could do was pray. I could not believe that three weeks had past and I was on my way back home to Chicago.

The captain’s voice crackling in and out on the speakers announced that we were preparing for takeoff. As the plane started to pull away from the gate I quietly began chanting, “Find a happy place… Find a happy place.” I wish there was a shot for this kind of thing. Something that you sign up for in advance so that when you get on the plane a flight attendant injects you with a happy serum; you pass out, and then wake up at your destination. No feeling of jumping out of your skin from fear, stomach acid from nervousness or needing a barf bag. “Fasten your seatbelts folks cuz here we go!” said the captain. I looked over to the right of me for moral support, but the woman sitting next to me was already snoring. “Really,” I need to be on whatever she is on. No luck to the left of me because the ipod and ear phones were plugged into said human. “Ugh!, how do people do this on a regular basis?”

To keep my mind off of the fear of being 35,000 feet in the air and from sticking a pretzel down the throat of the snoring, wide open mouth, drooling passenger that was making me crazy, I pulled out pen and paper to reflect on my journey and started to write down ten things I wanted to focus on next in my life:

1. Put an end to useless relationships: I have had nothing but unfulfilled relationships my entire life.
2. Focus on my life for once
3. Heal emotionally from loosing my brother
4. Live alone –discover solitude
5. Find inner purpose
6. Family: Find a balance for both what my family needs and what I need.
7. At some point move to LA: I have wanted to move to LA since the age of 21. I feel like it calls to me.
8. Finish unfinished business: I need to tie up loose ends. Complete the uncompleted.
9. How can I do something I truly enjoy
10. Find someone who loves the way I love

Writing these 10 thoughts down made me think of an excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love which had been sent to me by a friend. I remember as I began to read I felt connected to Elizabeth Gilbert’s character because of the parallels to my own life experiences and the sense of needing to find more. Unlike the character in the book, I was not on my way to Italy, India, and Indonesia. I felt as if I was embarking on my way to three different destinations: Chicago, Boston, and LA. Needless to say, I added a note to buy the book as soon as time allowed.

Chicago just like other cities has a certain smell. You don’t really smell it when you live it day in and day out, but when you’re away from something you know long enough, you definitely notice it. I grabbed a cab which also had a very unique smell that I would not want to describe and headed home to the North side. It was nice to be back on Lake Shore drive again and see the beautiful lake front. The fall is always breathtaking in Chicago with all the leaves changing to different vibrant colors of burnt orange, curry yellow and golden brown. The air felt crisp and teased of winter as the wind blew the waves from the lake strongly to shore. Regardless of the weather there were so many people still at the beach front cycling, rollerblading and jogging. It was nice to see people out and about. In LA you never really see people out of their cars. LA surfers do love their beaches though. The cab driver exited LSD and curved around Sheridan Ave. to head towards Rogers Park. I realized as he drove me through my neighborhood that I had never eaten at the plethora of Indian restaurants or that I had never really embraced West Rogers Park since moving to the area six years ago. I grew up in a neighborhood called Andersonville and when my grandmother sold our family home we were forced to find a place quickly so I bought a condo in West Rogers Park because of the low prices not because of the love I had for the area. I never got over leaving Andersonville or my grandmother selling our family home. A story for another time.

As I stood at the entrance of my front door I felt a sense of weight on my shoulders. I knew this was it. I was back at the place where I could not dream, where reality was as thick and heavy as a thousand pounds of wet sand. It was a paradox of wanting to be home because of the people that I missed, but hating all that came with it. Being in LA gave me the ability to look outside of my four walls. To breathe. I made the decision that I was going to return as an observer, but no longer an active participant.
I took a deep breath, opened the door and walked in. My mother waiting with open arms and tears in the kitchen; the kids excited, screaming, “Atto, Atto!!!; my grandmother slowly making her way to me with her walker…not really understanding that I had been gone-crying; and lastly, my sister-in-law patiently waiting her turn. I could see the happiness in all of their eyes. If felt so very blessed in that moment to have so many people to love me. This is what made me stay all of these years, but suddenly it wasn’t enough…something deep inside me had changed.

It took hours to settle in. We all sat down to dinner and I filled them in on the last three weeks of my travels and the details of the upcoming plans for Boston. A daughter knows when her mother is not pleased, much less after just arriving home. She gave her nodding approval for Boston because she knew she needed to. Accepting a temporary job in Boston was not an easy decision for me to make, but it was a step in the right and necessary direction.

Dinner was fantastic, we had ordered from one of my favorite Chinese restaurants, Wing Hoe. If you live in the Rogers Park, Edgewater or Andersonville neighborhoods you are lucky to know that the egg rolls are the best in town and the Kung Pao Chicken is worth every fat cell. I do have to say that I missed Chicago food while in LA. I think that in LA people are so concerned about how they look and being a size zero that the restaurants cater to that life style and you loose all of the Midwest, East coast influences of real fatty, stick to your bone, good eating kind of food. There is something to be said for eating healthy. I just wasn’t ready to accept THAT much change. Not yet. It tasted too good. Like Mom; like Wing Hoe; Like the Chicago I knew and grew up with.

With a full belly, an antacid chewable, I said my goodnights, headed to my bedroom and jumped into bed. I missed my own bed. Traveling for three weeks and sleeping on Joel’s couch made me appreciate the serenity of being happy with ones own possessions no matter the situation. My food; my bed; my stuff. Why would I ever leave? Who could?

As I looked over my new ten points and lay under the Chicago sky, I thought of one man who lay under LA sky with nothing to connect us together other than a few shared moments and a promise to keep in touch. I wanted to call him, if only to give me another opportunity to continue my LA experience. However, I had to stay focused and tomorrow awaited me with purpose so tonight I closed my eyes and hoped to dream about the smell of the ocean and the sun beaming on my skin.