1000 Pillows

Love Story continues…Life always seems to have its own plan for me. There is constantly a struggle when it comes to control. Some people know exactly what they are doing and when, while others get a clue along the way. I knew what I wanted to accomplish and what I needed to be responsible for in life, but it forever seems to have a bit of a different plan for Me! Instinct can only take one so far. I am learning that it is necessary to just let go.

Coming to Los Angeles may have been a test run for Boston. Boston would bring me relief or challenge my ability to accept some of the things that have happened in my life. To understand solace. Being alone, as I have mentioned before, was never needed or possible. I didn’t know how to be still, much less far from home. My Home… Alone…Quiet. I didn’t know what those words meant after so many years of being surrounded by people. Too many people. Too much of what everyone else always wanted but not enough time for me to decide what my favorite drink was or what Chicken Tika Masala was, or Pho, or real French Onion soup!

I had three days left in LA before my journey in Boston was set to begin. In the meantime I wanted to see John. I called him as we had been texting each other ever since I left Sonoma. At some point I told him about Boston and how soon my escape to LA was about to come to an end. He was supportive and thought that Boston would be a beautiful experience. He said that it would change me as LA had started to and he looked forward to witnessing that process. I was not sure what he meant by that at the time. What did he know that I didn’t ?!

Tuesday: I made plans for everyone to meet on Friday night at Firefly, a restaurant close to Joel’s place. I could tell from John’s response to my invitation that he thought he was going to be going out alone with me. It would be one of my last evenings with my friends and I really wanted to see as many people as I could before I left. I went to bed, eyes closed, body tired. I could not sleep. The anxiousness was starting to envelop my body. At first it was a feeling of small thoughts that drifted in and out of my head that quickly became a tidal wave of fear and worry. Was I doing the right thing ?! Even my Friday plans made me restless. Wednesday was Halloween and I made plans weeks ago to meet friends at the Gay parade. I was not in the mood to put on a costume and party it up, but I was told that Halloween in West Hollywood was a must see event that could not be missed. I took a deep breath and thought of the kiss I shared with John before I left Sonoma. For as nervous as he made me, his presence calmed me. With sweet thoughts, I drifted to sleep.

Wednesday Morning: TV brought with it a cavalcade of Halloween fun on the local Fox news channel. Two of the reporters were dressed up in full costume. Chicago news isn’t usually this fun and one would never see anchors dressed up for Halloween. I could not concentrate on the news because I was distracted by the female reporter who had her breasts propped up in a very sexy pirate costume talking about the weather. Chicago is just too buttoned up for this kind of on-air debauchery! It was like watching soft porn! Astonished, I said out loud, “Is this was it takes to get ratings in LA?” Joel just laughed and turned the channel to remove the festiveness of a holiday he sees no point in.

Breakfast was as it always is when you eat on the road. This morning was no exception with Philadelphia cream cheese spread and a touch of mixed berry jam over a toasted sesame bagel. My bagel reminded me of H&H Bagels in New York which is definitely worth the pilgrimage or worth frequenting if you live near it. Would anywhere I ate ever be able to give me the same kind of satisfaction that I knew I could depend on…like it did in Chicago?

The rest of Wednesday flew by and before I knew it we had to get going to meet Jen at her place to go to the parade. Joel and I did not find costumes so we decided to go as spectators rather than participants. Halloween is not one of Joel’s favorite holidays and it made me wonder how much he would enjoy the evening.

Apparently driving to a gay parade in a gay part of town is not a good idea. I was a little nervous about taking a bus in LA because…well, how would I know how to get back if we got separated? How would I know which bus to take? How does anyone know which way is up in this town when there isn’t a lake or the largest skyscraper in The States to at least guide me?! We waited for 20 minutes before the bus showed up and as soon as we entered the bus I knew this was going to be a very interesting night. There were two guys dressed in spider man costumes; another guy was dressed like a monk; and last but not least, there was a girl dressed like little red ridding hood and her partner, the wolf. What costume would I have chosen if Joel and I made it a priority?

We arrived at the corner of Santa Monica and La Cienega in West Hollywood. The streets were filled with thousands of people dressed in the most outrageous costumes. You couldn’t move on the sidewalks or streets. The sound of music was thumping from every bar and club. The air was filled with the smell of cologne, cigarettes, and weed. Forget about the contact high, everywhere I looked there were men and women showing off their assets. This jumble of people was endless, and what they were doing was beyond anything that I was used to in my everyday life. Men kissing men. Young women witnessing gay erotica at its finest. I’ve never been to therapy, but I could understand the need after how many times I witnessed gay men feelin’ up women’s bulging breasts all night long. At some point Joel vocalized how confused he was about what was real and what was…fantasy. I have never been to Margi Gras in New Orleans, but this night made me feel like I was in the middle of something similar. I was over stimulated with all of the eye candy. It was no longer a jumble of people. This was a jungle, and I was in the middle of a place that would not surrender me easily.

By 02:00 AM I was dizzy and Joel had had enough. Jen was shimming like she usually does and talking to a guy she once had a thing for. I was going to spend the last two nights with her, but by the looks of things, Jen was making plans of her own. It seems that I would yet again be back on Joel’s couch.

It was too late to catch a bus back to Jen’s so we all grabbed a cab. Joel and I headed back to his place. I remember wanting nothing more at that moment then to jump in a shower and wash every single square inch of my WEHO Halloween experience off of me. Exhausted, I crawled onto my well worn couch, laid my head down and was asleep in seconds. There was no time to worry about what was next.

Thursday: I had some long standing plans to see my cousins and extended family this evening. I wanted to catch up with my mother’s side of the family and have dinner with them. I also wanted to give Joel a break from me and from dragging him out last night so I arranged for a ride to the family’s pad and when I arrived, there were at least 15 people waiting for me. We drank and ate and laughed. I shared my experiences from Sonoma, Halloween and my anticipation for Boston. I may have mentioned something about John, but he was too new to really bring up like it was something serious. I hadn’t even had one evening alone with him.

I was blessed to be sitting in a kitchen of a Home that was filled with women who grew up with my mother and their kids. The food was incredible. It was a spread of traditional Assyrian dishes including: Basmati rice; beef cutlets spiced with onions, bread crumbs and a little turmeric; chicken kabobs with pita bread and dill cucumber dressing; lamb stew with potatoes and garlic; and my favorite, pickled vegetables and feta cheese. I was treated like a Princess and I ate so much my stomach felt like it would explode. Life was good tonight. Black tea and nazook made it even better. We have a saying in Assyrian that translates to “A full stomach makes for a peaceful world.” “Peaceful” Would Boston bring me peace, or would I continue to surround myself with more to make me forget?

For the complete love story please visit the Love Story page.
More to come next week…